On this same day in the year 2011, I wrote my last entry here in WordPress and since then, I didn’t find the heart to blog again. I was going through so many things all at once that my writing retreated backstage and I settled with the comfort of scribbling on my Moleskine. So what is it that made me go back to this neglected space online? As I was surfing the net this afternoon, I realized my online presence needed some major updating — for instance, the About page on my WordPress says I’m a college junior; my LinkedIn account claims that I’m Chorale president at the moment; and my YouTube channel’s becoming extinct — totally not an indication of applying good social-media practice, not to mention it could reflect badly on my career. What struck me the most was the last blog entry I posted exactly a year ago, about one of my many conversations with cab drivers:
“…it made me wonder, will the time come when I do what I have to do by day, and do what I want to do by night, dreading the monotonous day that is about to come? And not just that, is he even happy with what he’s doing? With my graduation nearing, I couldn’t help but go through the kind of mid-life crisis that occurs when you’re not even in your mid-life
I realized he was able to incorporate his passion in his job (…) I saw it in the way he drums his fingers on the wheel to the beat of whatever’s playing on the radio, and how he hums along today’s music with a vibrato reminiscent of the love songs from the past. I saw it in the way he drives carefully, and how he smiles apologetically at passengers who mistakenly thought that his cab is unoccupied. His friendly demeanor exudes a sense of satisfaction in what he’s doing.
Not long after, the vehicle tapered off with a smooth decrescendo to my stop.
As I struggled to count the bills and coins I have in my purse, I realized that everything boils down to the very first question he uttered:
‘Saan ang daan natin, ma’am?’
Where, indeed, am I headed?
And more importantly: which road do I take?”
I found it rather funny how life has a way of making you realize things. Upon reading that particular post, I half-hoped I had Chrono-Displacement like Henry DeTamble from Time Traveler’s Wife, so I could reach out to my 19-year-old self and tell her Hey, stop all the whining — exactly a year from now, you are a PR practitioner recently regularized as an employee in a reputable 5-star hotel, you have a wonderful boss, your hair wouldn’t be so bad and you actually got to watch Lady GaGa live. If I had the chance to go back to the past and assure myself of a promising future, I wouldn’t have gone through months of endless self-doubt, wondering if I’ll ever pass Math102 and agonizing over every little thing that I cannot control.
But then again, had I known that things would eventually turn out the way things are now, I wouldn’t be able to value all the hard work I’ve put in my various pursuits, whether creative, academic, career-wise, or even in matters of the heart. While it took more than an ounce of maturity in my part to accept all the sudden changes of my life — such as catapulting in the corporate world fresh out of graduation; dealing with the recent death of my only remaining grandparent and seeing my father sad; and exploring my newfound independence as an adult and the responsibilities that come with it — I’ve come to realize that everyday, I am learning to live in the present more. I find that I no longer worry that much about the future to the verge of anxiety, and I miraculously obsess less about the past and other could-have-beens.
Of course, there were certain adjustments in my lifestyle that I simply have to accept. For one thing, I’ve been single for over a year, after being used to having a boyfriend since high school. It’s certainly quite unnerving to be alone; the usual giggly feeling that precedes Valentine’s Day becomes a painful thud in the stomach, and the love songs in my playlist while working out in the gym are dutifully replaced with mindless pop songs, for my poor heart’s sake. Eventually I saw it as an opportunity to get to know myself more and to spend more time with family and friends. Add to that the fact that I could party guiltlessly and enjoy letting my hair down after a stressful week at work, without having to answer to anyone’s calls.
Also, my energy during the week is dedicated to my day job doing Public Relations in a hotel. I don’t get to attend Chorale rehearsals anymore and personal creative pursuits are piling up. I try not to be too hard on myself when I don’t get to finish my latest songwriting project or if the plot I’ve been working on for weeks gets crammed in my drawer — after all, I am just on my first few months of working (though admittedly, this became a great source of frustration, initially). Once I’ve established myself, I’m sure I’ll have the acquired skills to squeeze in my personal projects during my free time without affecting the quality of work I produce in my job. All in due time.
Pardon my endless bouts of self-realization — I’ve been reading a lot lately and I am in a constant state of contemplation. Perhaps I’ll come up with a book review next.